Saturday, November 1, 2008

Bone of contention

With this post, I run the risk of losing the only couple of blog hits I get every month. Also, at stake are friends, reputation that I borrowed from a Big Boss contestant last week and Taploo’s frog Dubukk – Dubukk Jr. (Dubukk Sr. died a wise man; he learnt that no matter how drunk his master Taploo is, frogs can’t fly – even if they are deftly fastened to a Standard Fireworks brand rocket and launched from an autorickshaw exhaust pipe. Taploo is an Aeronautical Engineer. He lives to recount Dubukk Sr.’s valour.)

The reason for my veritable apprehension is the near obscene nature of the content. Then again, to my surprise, the lady involved approved of a word-for-word reproduction (minus the typos) of the piece in question – an e-chat conversation. As always, I request puritans to take a pass on this piece.

virus: Boss, I need help with my grammar.

me: You also need help with your etiquette. Can’t you begin a conversation like a normal person?

virus: Down boy! Down. Will you listen?

me: Yeah. Tell me.

virus: What is the plural form of Penis?

me: Oye, am at work. Kya type kar rahi hai? Kis paagal kutte ne kaata tujhe?

virus: No, seriously. What are multiple penis called?

me: Who in this world has multiple dicks? WTF is wrong with you??

virus: I was writing a nasty mail to this dude and wanted to ask him to shove ten tools up his…

me: I dunno baba. Just say ten tools na. Btw, asking him to shove two or even three qualifies as being nasty. Don’t you think ten is bare ruthlessness? :P

virus: Lol. Main serious question pooch rahi huun aur tu joke maar raha hai!!

me: Plural forms of male genitilia is your definition of serious!

virus: Sunega?

me: Bol. Tu aaj boss ke saamne marwa ke chodegi.

virus: If you please, take his opinion as well. Okay. So I have narrowed it down to a few options.

me: OPTIONS!! Fcuk. For a woman running a complete boutique, you have a lot of spare time.

virus: Is the penis like crisis?

me: Multiple ones and plural forms most definitely qualify as a crisis.

virus: Lol

me: Actually, Penile multiplicity syndrome (also PMS) is an international crisis!

virus: No re. Is the plural of penis like the plural of crisis – penes?

me: Penes sounds like the name of a strapping gujju lad. Meet Jignes, brother of Penes.

virus: Lol

me: Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo. Shah Jignes, Male Penes.

virus: Ouch. Ok and penis is pronounced penus right?

me: I can’t believe I’m having this conversation 1 hour before my presentation. I have dicks on my mind. Woman, if any part of the human genitilia pops out of my mouth during the presentation, I will kill you.

virus: ROTFLOL. No listen. So its pronounced PENUS as in Octopus, right?

me: Penis? Octopus? Is there a new Hash Dhokla in town I’m not aware of? Woman, meeting in 52 minutes. Can we debate on this later?

virus: NO! NOW! Is the penis like an Octopus?

me: Lol. Lol.

virus: Idiot, matlab octopus – octopi na?

me: ??

virus: Arre is it like Fungus? Fungus – Fungi? Penis – Penii?

me: Gross woman. is IT like Fungus?

virus: Lol. I meant fungi re :P

me: I dunno man. Penii sounds a little warped.

virus: How about penuses then?

me: Lol. Are you planning to write a thesis on this? Or rather ‘theses’ :P

virus: Funny. I mean, is it like sinus?

me: First you ask me if the dick is like an octopus, then fungus. Now Sinus!!

virus: :D :D

me: I can’t stop laughing man. My colleagues will think I’m crazy :P

virus: Perhaps they should read this :P

me: Perhaps. I think, I should Cut-Copy-Paste this conversation on my blog.

virus: Fine by me.

me: Let the world know that I’m far more normal than the company I keep.

virus: :D

me: I’m doing it.

virus: Roka kisne hai. Daal de :P

me: Ahem!! PUNny..

virus: Anyway, so what is it? Penes, penii,.. or perhaps Penis is like Pelivis?

me: LMAO. So now you’re looking for plurals biologically? Forget greek or latin roots to arrive at plurals; this is the 21st century – biological roots. Lol

virus: Biologically a Pelvis is closer to penis than fungus or octopus na :P

me: Pelivis – pelvises; Penis – penises?

virus: Eggjhactly!! So which is it now? Penises, penii or penes? :P

me: And behind door number 3 we have bachelor number 3. Take your pick :D

virus: Lol. You are useless man. You know nothing.

me: Yes. I wish I had paid more attention in Class 3 during grammar lessons :(

virus: I’m going to go with Penes!!

me: And the lucky winner is Bachelor number 1: Penes Shah!! :)

virus: Lol. Now go. Work. Useless idiot.

me: Remember, if I screw up my presentation…

virus: IF? Lol.

Needless to say, for obvious reasons none of the lines/bars/bar-graphs in my presentation made any sense. With friends like these…

(P.S. Once again, if anyone was offended – my apologies. All in jest.)


anoushka said...

LMAO =))
Vira rocks man.

kamna said...

Penes Shah!! :)) Don't you just love gujjus Taran :)

atomicgitten said...

LOL! And I thought I had interesting conversations. :D

You should have asked her to call them "two inch piss-tubes".A prof of ours popularised this terminology and I judge it will suit the purpose perfectly :P

vira said...

Some audacity you have. Posting a private convo on the net :P

One day belated happy happy happy happy bday. That makes it 7 bday wishes in total :-D

-the virus :-)

notgogol said...

@anu: yeah she does :D
@kamu: yeah i do :P Why, don't u?
@atomicgitten: "two inch" piss tubes!! I, and most other men, will most certainly take offence to your horizontally challenged description :P
@vira: :D

atomicgitten said...

Erm... in my defense t'was a quote :P
If anyone was offended– my apologies. :)

notgogol said...

A quote that you felt was worthy enough to be publicized :)
All you two-inchers, do accept her apology. I'm sure she meant no harm :P

Jan said...


A linguist lives in all of us, eh?

Jan said...

Hmmm. Didn't mean it to sound like that, really! I blame it on ur post :P

nilofer said...

LOL! LOL! Why dont u write more often? I agree you wont make shitloads of money like u make now but atleast ur ass will be in one place na idiot. U and ur forced wanderlusting and bharat-darshaning.

:| said...

Meet Jignes, brother of Penes.

Bwahahahahahaha. =))

notgogol said...

@jan: A linguist. Who? Me? :O
@nilo: I like the travel re. I'm not complaining na :)
@soniya: :)

nilofer said...

LIAR!! U always crib like a baby.

notgogol said...


HolyTrance said...

HAHAHAH...No comments at spellbound :))))

entwined said...

compulsive gujju bashing is wat i call it...they are adorable ppl! phew!...hilarious stuff neway...

Prakruti said...

hey, thx for stoppin by... jus read this one post... i think it was hilarious... and i always thot i had grt convesations... hehe... neways, will read mroe soon, till then keep writing... cheers... P

P.S: i am a gujju, but i loved ur whole joke abt JIGNES :P... hehehehhe keep it up

Metallica bhakt! said...

Im laughing my heart out!! LMAO!! Dude,women can be really funny for a change!This was hilarious to the core!

notgogol said...

@holytrance :)
@prachi: Yup. Gujjus rock!! :)
@prakruti: Any conversation with any gujju can get hilarious re :) You just need to pus the right buttons. "So do you like roak, pope and jaejj mujik as well?" :P
@Metallicabhakt: They are funny ALL the time re. and gujju women who laugh at fellow gujjus are the funniest :)
P.S. Metallica is ozzome :)

pali tripathi said...

Howlarious:)Came to ur blog since u posted a comment on mine(yeah..i am quite indulgent as far as mutual admiration societies are concerned)
Its been a long time since i have actually laughed out loud reading something..i mean..not a smile..a smirk..a grin..but actual laughter..he he..was fun..keep it up(no pun intended..thot wud clarify considering the "two inch" piss tubes n "penses" bein discussed here:-P)

pali tripathi said...

and whats wid "notgogol"-u dun like him/his work/non-work?(Nikolay would quote himself to that "The moon is made by some lame cooper, and you can see the idiot has no idea about moons at all" to that:-P..:-))

notgogol said...

Lol @ "i am quite indulgent as far as mutual admiration societies are concerned"..
and as far as the username goes.. it has more to do with running out of both patience and options seeing the "username already taken" popup on blogger a million times while registering.. i even tried weird permuations of puppy, crap, dildo, schmuck, bitch, rat's ass but they were all taken. Weird weird world we live in :)

pali tripathi said...

"schmuck"-ur favorite word?..wen u absolutely wela try counting the number of times u used them on ur blog..i have an ikling(funny word!) might be record material stuff!

notgogol said...

Schmuck. aaah...the melody of the sh blends so well into the harmony of the muck. :P
I have a favourite acronym as well (its currently being employed extensively (read 10 times an hour) in me corporate parlance).. NIGYSOB - now i got you, son of a bitch :)

pali tripathi said...

Thanks for the enlightenment..thats just the word have been looking for these days fr a certain individual around here..And since this is definitely not the place to be pursuing this shall spare the others around here and leave u to wait for relevant comments:-)

notgogol said...

yeah :)

Anonymous said...

oyyyee gujju ko gali!!! nahi chalega!!considering the richest are gujjus with the smartest minds and money making talent!!! v nicely written blog!! travel and all..gr8!


notgogol said...

gali kahan di bhai? :P Fortunately or unfortunately most of my close friends write shah/patel/mehta after their first name.. so I don't really hate gujjus :)

P.S. Do I know you? please care to identify thyself :)