Monday, March 8, 2010

Slower, Lamer, Vancouver

Conspiracy theories. They’re so unbelievably preposterous, one cannot help but find them entertaining.

Elvis is alive’. No, he isn’t. Elvis has left this and every other building. In case you were wondering, that is actually Vivek Oberoi waggling his crotch in the trailer of Prince, it’s not the King.

The Wingdings font predicted the fall of the two towers’. How did you not know that? Even Nostradamnhim… erm us… Nostradamnus ‘prophesized’ that. Have you never received the e-mail forward that succinctly captures the brilliance of this scientific theory? If not, you’re lucky. You either have very intelligent friends, very few friends or a mom who cannot use e-mail. It is the most well-researched hypothesis after the Liberated Tiger of non-Tamil Elin (aka LTTE) theory - ‘The reason we have only 1411 tigers left is that there is this one tiger in the woods screwing up… erm around… screwing around for the whole bunch of us. He leaves behind nothing for us to do and quite literally so’.

As I had said, these theories are ridiculous but good fun.

During her weeklong break in Bombay, Nilo (the tripod hugger from the previous post) did precisely three things – slept, messed up my already disorderly house and watched the Winter Olympics telecast. She theorizes (and I now agree) that the Winter Olympics are a hoax. Why?

The Winter Olympics are but a mélange of the most nonsensical human activities in the guise of sport. If you did not know, here is a fun-fact - the Winter Olympics was born as the Canadians were pissed. Not at their own sheer stupidity for choosing French over English as their national language. They were miffed to constantly find themselves languishing at the bottom of the medal’s tally along with Kyrgyzstan and Moldova at the Normal People’s Olympics. Leap year after leap year, the board read Canada - zero Gold, zero Silver, zero Bronze, one Maple Leaf.

So they conveniently invented the Winter Olympics and the motley of absurd sports that are showcased in it. In the interest of time and average attention span of the blog reader, I make but three ludicrous cases in point – Curling, Biathlon and the Skeleton.

Curling - The objective of the game is to slide a granite blob (imaginatively named ‘stone’) on a floor of ice in the hope that it goes somewhere. Where? That has not been established as yet. But someone needs to ensure that the blob has a smooth slide while going anywhere, right? Hence, there is a group of humans who L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y ‘sweeps’ the ice with a broom as the blob slides. Why? So that the blob doesn’t have a rough ride.


Please watch the video below, with sound (Slow connection? Go have a cuppa, but come back and watch the video). Please do observe two things – how the rabid howling generates sound waves so intense that the blob pushes itself further and watch closely as blonde, bob cut aunty throws her broom in ecstasy at the end of the shot.

I have as much respect for the ‘sport’ as I do for the brides on Rahul Ka Swayamvar. For things to start looking up, you curlers first need to respect yourselves. Rehash the sporting nomenclature - please do not call your sporting instruments ‘brooms’ and ‘stones’. You are not out witch-hunting!

And why are we Indians not participating in this event? There must be at least one stone pelting Shiv Sena boy married to sweeper Gangu bai, right? I’d wager that their offspring is our next and only Olympic medal hope.

Biathlon - As the Canadian Winter Olympic Committee was running out of creative steam while coming up with events, they figured that it would not be completely unethical to ‘borrow’ a few from the Normal People’s Olympics. After long hours of absolutely no reflection, they zeroed in on the triathlon (swimming, cycling and running, in that order). Consequently, the Winter Olympic Triathlon took shape – swimming in a glacier followed by cycling and running on ice.

However, after thirty nine athletes succumbed to hypothermia during the ‘swimming in the glacier’ phase of the first ever Winter Triathlon in 1924, the sport was replaced by the less arduous and more bizarre biathlon – an amalgamation of cross country skiing and rifle shooting. Why? But why? At least the Normal Olympics’ triathlon can be thought of as a training ground for prisoners contemplating an escape from Alcatraz or Guantanamo. What conceivable human purpose can the biathlon serve? Competing athletes can now lug a rifle all the way up to the Arctic Circle and shoot a Polar Bear? Or perhaps, we could have a biathlon chase sequence in the next Bond flick – For Your Ice Only?


From top (clockwise) - Curling, Bobsled, The Skeleton, Biathlon

The Skeleton – Apart from possessing a single-digit IQ, the dunderheads who are retarded enough to take part in a sport with a name like the Skeleton, are expected to slide down a frozen track, face first, on a sled thinner than an anorexic cockroach. The objective of the sport, which has its humble beginnings as a genocidal experiment in Nazi Concentration Camps, is to see how long you can hang on for dear life. If you come out alive, you win!

The same icy-track used for the Skeleton is also used for a sport called Bobsled. Watch the video below.

However, the critical difference between the two is that with the Bobsled at least there’s a questionably shaped sled. In the Skeleton there’s no sled; it’s just Bob!

One needs to be monumentally sloshed or a mental Canadian or both to either devise these events or take part in them. But the icing on the cake, the biggest joke of them all is not the Winter Olympics; it’s the Winter Paralympics - Winter Olympics for the paralyzed. What was the Olympic committee thinking? Were they even thinking? This Bob can’t walk on normal ground let alone ice. This Bob most definitely doesn’t need a freaking sled. He needs a wheelchair.

Will you please return the wheelchair to Bob?


Judy Balan said...

For some reason, Canada was always a kickass place in my head. But of course you had to go ruin it :-| But lol, this post reminded me of Barney Stinson's famous 'You've done it again, Canada. Why, oh why do we let you be a country?' :D

The Restless Quill said...

Came over from your comment on my blog :)
what struck me was your like your words and wordage in threes. nice rhythm there.
and you are legitimately funny. really.
also i die a little every time i come to know someone who lives in bombay. yeah, i know, it's LOT of people but still.
i'll be coming back :)

errormsg! said...

if THIS is the byproduct of notgogol vegetating at airports around the country, so be it!!

hahahaha...i am, seriously,amused :)

kamna said...

LMAO... not at the post.. YOU... the only sport you can play is squash... which is hitting a spongy thing on a wall.. aur tu dusron pe ungli utha raha hai... LOL :-D
ok ok... I'm kidding... it was your usual LMAO ranting self.
So you had fun babysitting Nilo?... and how does week-long vacation = job-hunting??

Judy Balan said...

Just visited Deepa's blog. You are not allowed to call me Prudy Judy anywhere other than in my space and under my watchful gaze, you Chetan Bhagat's sidekick, you! Hmph. *Bangs door on your face*

Judy Balan said...

That was supposed to be *SLAMS (not bangs) door on your face* HMPH.

notgogol said...

@Judy1: Canada is a very lame country. I'd gone there when I was three years old. It's so lame, I cannot remember a thing about it :) (has nothing to do with the fact that I was a toddler though; I'm sure if it was awesome I would remember something :P) Don't watch HIMYM. Please to share youtube link of this scene.

@Omanwoman: Now you've gotten me conscious about this rhythm thingy.
How many people would you have to know from Bombay to die completely? Just curious.

@errormsg!: That's exactly what notgogol does. No life, no love, no beer.

Stop sniggering shameless woman. I can hear it all the way in MP. I know my misery amuses u :|

@kamu: Nilo is lazier than you can imagine. She went for one interview, if that qualifies as a job-hunt. She's a lazy Goldilocks. "Nahin jaungi re. It's too hot. too cold. too far. too near." Not joking about the too near bit - "accha it's close to your place. matlab its in the suburbs. only people with no life work in the suburbs na. I'm not going for the interview." I work in the suburbs. Thus, I have no life (QED). Talk to her sis for more.

@Judy2: Oooooo... Juuuuuuudiiiiiiieee... I'm scaaaaaaaaaared. I'm really really scared now. Can you see my blog page tremble? :P

@Judy3: If not for the typo the comment would have had such a killer punch na? :P

Judy Balan said...

Can't blame me for trying to talk in a Chetan Bhagatish way that would make sense to you :P ;D

Wasted a sinful lot of time looking for the Barney-Canada youtube link. Which wasn't there:-|
It should be there in the 3rd or 4th season. I know, THAT helps.

anoushka said...

LOL @ LTTE. You just seem to have a problem with everything that you do not have a clue about. :D

The Restless Quill said...

Good question, although it doesn't apply. Things like people dying a little for a city have regenerative properties.

Anonymous said...


can anyone tell me which is the best counter strike guide ? :)...i found this one :

What do you hither back it ?

Thanx in advance

Sorry for my bad english :s

notgogol said...

@Judy: Can't find one link. Vekkama-illai?

@anu: Explains why I have a problem with you, na? :P

@Omanwoman: Why you take silly question so seriously madam? :)

@anon: How does one counter-strike spam? How? How?

The Restless Quill said...

good point. :P i just miss bombay you know?

Judy Balan said...

Err. The Canada part isn't there, but what the heck, it's the best of Barney Stinson :):):):)

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AtomicGitten said...

Hey but you must them credit for creativity. It take some stretch of the imagination for creating sports out of simple jhadoo-ing

kamna said...

why can't I comment on Tanu's repulsive specs frame... and the hazel cutie in the new post

Sowmya said...

And a lot of courage in writing. Love the attitude of fearlessness.
I have added you to my blog roll :)

notgogol said...

@atomic: Point taken. Credit for creativity - given. Olympic medals - bollocks!

@kamu: Because i don't like awwwing comments :)

@sowmya: Thanks :)
But courage? Who, me? Seriously?

Almur said...

My fingers feel obliged to type out a comment.... Awesome!!!!

Jumped a lot of blogs to arrive at this one... and I'm glad that I did... :)

Almur said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
notgogol said...

@Almur: Thanks :) Brightens up my Sunday morning you know.

kamna said...

almost a month now...

Anonymous said...

Hey Judy Balan, get a boyfriend soon your blogs are getting drab *yawn*. BTW you gotta switch to 30 something mom quite soon :) How is your psycho therapy coming long?:) Waiting to hear how you figured you needed therapy and don't con cos you forgot to tell your therapist about the rest of your life... anyways your case papers are all over the internet now so its just a matter of time before your life comes to a stand still ... Muaaah :)

notgogol said...

@anon: Wrong address. JB is here -

Please to redirect :)