Thursday, November 20, 2008

Itta kaiku re bolte miyan?

The lame, for-the-want-of-time pointed format makes a strong comeback. 5 reasons to visit Hyderabad:

1. Here, disguised unemployment seems to be the local solution to global recession. It is perhaps the only Indian city where a single crossroad is manned by 13 traffic policemen in spite of the presence of traffic signals in perfect working condition. The absolute lack of synchrony in their traffic-channelizing dance (that would put most undiscovered South American tribes to shame) hints at their relative dispensability. Retarded chimps would do just as well.

2. The only people frisked in a bakehouse called Karachi Bakery are Muslims; the rest of the world struts in with ease. I am going to leave the multiple levels of hypocrisy and irony in the above observation unstated. Perhaps the city needs to discern Going Global from Aping Global.

3. What does a woman clad in a Burqa do in a club called Bottles & Chimneys? Double er.. Multiple standards? Please do e-mail me if you solve the conundrum.

4. The best biryani in town is dished out at a joint called Paradise. The only semblance to logic, albeit misplaced, in this confused city.

5. You will doubt the authenticity of your native tam/punju/bong/ghati/mallu/bihari/parsi accent when you hear the Hindi dialect of hyderabadi urdu. Tum logaan ku sharam aayinga. Hyderabad main itte itte tez potta hai rey. Inu logaan, ghar pe baithke gotiyaan nakko khelte re miyan. Road ke bich main, tiraafic rok ke, haathan aur pairaan ke saath paagalan ke jaise-ich khaleja piit-te rey bava. Phir hullu hullu karke, aap-ich pata nahin kaiku, tamasha band kartei. Jabardast majaa martei inu logaan. Ekdum jabardast!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Bone of contention

With this post, I run the risk of losing the only couple of blog hits I get every month. Also, at stake are friends, reputation that I borrowed from a Big Boss contestant last week and Taploo’s frog Dubukk – Dubukk Jr. (Dubukk Sr. died a wise man; he learnt that no matter how drunk his master Taploo is, frogs can’t fly – even if they are deftly fastened to a Standard Fireworks brand rocket and launched from an autorickshaw exhaust pipe. Taploo is an Aeronautical Engineer. He lives to recount Dubukk Sr.’s valour.)

The reason for my veritable apprehension is the near obscene nature of the content. Then again, to my surprise, the lady involved approved of a word-for-word reproduction (minus the typos) of the piece in question – an e-chat conversation. As always, I request puritans to take a pass on this piece.

virus: Boss, I need help with my grammar.

me: You also need help with your etiquette. Can’t you begin a conversation like a normal person?

virus: Down boy! Down. Will you listen?

me: Yeah. Tell me.

virus: What is the plural form of Penis?

me: Oye, am at work. Kya type kar rahi hai? Kis paagal kutte ne kaata tujhe?

virus: No, seriously. What are multiple penis called?

me: Who in this world has multiple dicks? WTF is wrong with you??

virus: I was writing a nasty mail to this dude and wanted to ask him to shove ten tools up his…

me: I dunno baba. Just say ten tools na. Btw, asking him to shove two or even three qualifies as being nasty. Don’t you think ten is bare ruthlessness? :P

virus: Lol. Main serious question pooch rahi huun aur tu joke maar raha hai!!

me: Plural forms of male genitilia is your definition of serious!

virus: Sunega?

me: Bol. Tu aaj boss ke saamne marwa ke chodegi.

virus: If you please, take his opinion as well. Okay. So I have narrowed it down to a few options.

me: OPTIONS!! Fcuk. For a woman running a complete boutique, you have a lot of spare time.

virus: Is the penis like crisis?

me: Multiple ones and plural forms most definitely qualify as a crisis.

virus: Lol

me: Actually, Penile multiplicity syndrome (also PMS) is an international crisis!

virus: No re. Is the plural of penis like the plural of crisis – penes?

me: Penes sounds like the name of a strapping gujju lad. Meet Jignes, brother of Penes.

virus: Lol

me: Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo. Shah Jignes, Male Penes.

virus: Ouch. Ok and penis is pronounced penus right?

me: I can’t believe I’m having this conversation 1 hour before my presentation. I have dicks on my mind. Woman, if any part of the human genitilia pops out of my mouth during the presentation, I will kill you.

virus: ROTFLOL. No listen. So its pronounced PENUS as in Octopus, right?

me: Penis? Octopus? Is there a new Hash Dhokla in town I’m not aware of? Woman, meeting in 52 minutes. Can we debate on this later?

virus: NO! NOW! Is the penis like an Octopus?

me: Lol. Lol.

virus: Idiot, matlab octopus – octopi na?

me: ??

virus: Arre is it like Fungus? Fungus – Fungi? Penis – Penii?

me: Gross woman. is IT like Fungus?

virus: Lol. I meant fungi re :P

me: I dunno man. Penii sounds a little warped.

virus: How about penuses then?

me: Lol. Are you planning to write a thesis on this? Or rather ‘theses’ :P

virus: Funny. I mean, is it like sinus?

me: First you ask me if the dick is like an octopus, then fungus. Now Sinus!!

virus: :D :D

me: I can’t stop laughing man. My colleagues will think I’m crazy :P

virus: Perhaps they should read this :P

me: Perhaps. I think, I should Cut-Copy-Paste this conversation on my blog.

virus: Fine by me.

me: Let the world know that I’m far more normal than the company I keep.

virus: :D

me: I’m doing it.

virus: Roka kisne hai. Daal de :P

me: Ahem!! PUNny..

virus: Anyway, so what is it? Penes, penii,.. or perhaps Penis is like Pelivis?

me: LMAO. So now you’re looking for plurals biologically? Forget greek or latin roots to arrive at plurals; this is the 21st century – biological roots. Lol

virus: Biologically a Pelvis is closer to penis than fungus or octopus na :P

me: Pelivis – pelvises; Penis – penises?

virus: Eggjhactly!! So which is it now? Penises, penii or penes? :P

me: And behind door number 3 we have bachelor number 3. Take your pick :D

virus: Lol. You are useless man. You know nothing.

me: Yes. I wish I had paid more attention in Class 3 during grammar lessons :(

virus: I’m going to go with Penes!!

me: And the lucky winner is Bachelor number 1: Penes Shah!! :)

virus: Lol. Now go. Work. Useless idiot.

me: Remember, if I screw up my presentation…

virus: IF? Lol.

Needless to say, for obvious reasons none of the lines/bars/bar-graphs in my presentation made any sense. With friends like these…

(P.S. Once again, if anyone was offended – my apologies. All in jest.)