Friday, June 17, 2011

The thing about holes

(I’ve been playing Golf for a while now. For those of you who don’t know a lot about it, here’s Golf for dummies.
What it is – A joke. Not a sport. Not a game. A joke, and a very bad one at that.
What it is not - 500 white people following a black guy take a walk in the park.
Objective – To get a dimpled, white ball from a garden in Scotland, across the Dead Sea, into a hole in Yemen in less than a lifetime. Remember, the hole is always smaller than the ball. Always.
How – By using 14 wood and iron hockey stick shaped hockey sticks called clubs.)

Just so we’re clear - Golf is just wrong.

It just is.

When you play it, you’re like a boy who’s having sex for the first time.

You begin with your tee-off. But when you start, the position of the hole is pretty vague. You’re not sure where exactly it is. If you’re persistent enough you might get close to it, but a hole in one would be nothing short of a miracle. You’re not even sure if you’re using the right tool to get you there. Is your wood really the right choice? What if you land in the rough? Have you practiced your swing enough?

You then get into a position that is most unnatural – surprisingly unlike what you practiced at home. You swing. You miss.

You miss again.

Under watchful gaze, missing becomes a habit you cannot shirk off. When you finally do manage a semblance of contact, you’re not even sure if you got it right.

Yet at the end of it, you’re so bloody spent. And you’ve got a sore back because you tried to play in a position that is so out of your league.

Been there. Done that. True Fact!

Golf is just so very wrong. If a man’s sex life was a blob and you flattened it out to two-dimensions, it would look like a golf course.

Even if I miss the first hole, I always have the next one, right? After all there are 18 of them.

You couldn’t be more wrong.

The next hole is always like the slut you dump your girl for. She tantalizes you, draws you in, makes you forget about the last one. You know she means trouble but you can’t keep away from her. Before you know it, you’re hooked but the bitch never lives up to her promise.

And you miss, yet again.

A golfer always lies about his scores to a fellow golfer. Always.

The number of women a man tells you he has slept with, is always somewhere in-between the truth and wishful thinking. Ten means four and four means one and one means none. True Fact!

Ahem… Tiger! Those are my balls on the green.

You never touch another man’s balls – voluntarily, “accidentally” or sub-consciously, on the golf course or off it. I couldn’t care less that you were happy or confused or both. You just don’t.

Have you tried Golf?

Someone asking you to play Golf for the first time is like a woman suggesting, “Let’s be friends, with benefits?” It is masochism in disguise – you think it’s just a walk in the park, but you just end up hitting your foot with an iron stick, repeatedly. You’re in pain but you can’t stop.

Anything that is analogous to a man’s sex life cannot be right.

These are not the only things wrong with Golf.

I hate Koreans. (Actually, I don’t. Maybe Kim Jong Il, not the rest of them. They have the best food in Asia. So, for the sake of argument, let’s assume I do.) So yes, I hate Koreans. At any point of time if you counted the number of Koreans on all the golf courses in the world, it would be more than the population of Korea, both South and North. The biggest killer of Koreans after Lung Cancer and Kimchi Poisoning is Golf Course Lightning Strikes.

There is something about looking at 7 Hyundai cars parked in a line at the parking-lot of a golf course that makes me want to vandalize them with a golf club. Something, I’m not quite sure what though.

The other problem is that I was taught the game by a woman. She claims to be the 63rd best female golfer in India. I don’t think there are more than 6 female golfers in India but that’s beside the point. The problem is the innate inability of a man to follow someone else’s command, let alone that of a woman. It’s impossible for me to follow – “Stand 5 feet behind me and check out my swing” to the dot.

Let me make this absolutely clear – no heterosexual man is capable of standing behind a woman and checking out her 'swing'. Period.

Also, Golf gives women, the section of the human species incapable of deciding, the luxury of choice. Should I go for the 7-Iron or the 6 on this shot? I think it will roll off the green, don’t you think? I think the wind is blowing from the south-west and the north-east, don’t you think so?

The wind CANNOT blow from the south-west AND the north-east you woman! It is scientifically impossible for you to make a choice or the wind to blow in two different directions.

Never go golfing with your girlfriend. Most marriage proposals are bartered in return for a woman to decide on a shot in less than 2 hours.

True Fact!

P.S. A wise man on the course once told me – “You know why they call it Golf? Cos fuck was already taken.”


Red Handed said...

This was one hell of an amazing write up i read after a pretty long time!

You never touch another man’s balls – voluntarily, “accidentally” or sub-consciously, on the golf course or off it. are funny sire!

kamna said...

so ure saying that the only thing u chcked out was Aishu's ass when she taught u to play :P :P :P... I dont blame u tho, she does hav a nice ass ;-)
and are u trying to say that golf is the reason for ur backaches?? im not buying that...


Anonymous said...

ROFL! Hilarious post!!!!

notgogol said...

@Red Handed: Well at least I don't let another man, you know... :)
And thanks.

@kamu: Oh yeah she does.
And yes, Golf is the only reason for my backaches. Honest :)
What rubbish. I don't hate them Koreans. They are the prettiest people around.

@writerzblock: Thankssomuchandall :)

'Niroo' Ravi - Copywriter, Creative thinker, Blogger, Pot painter, Bongo banger, Angel, Devil, Freak said...


This post is more gross than the last few posts - don't wanna comment :P

But I can't figure out why the elite are crazy about this sport

anoushka said...


The boy's backaches have no carnal origins. All/Any pelvic activity has been absent since March.


1. The said golfer whose behind seems to have caught your fancy is your friend's sister. Just in-case you've forgotten.
2. Are you sure that the analogies are not reflections of your own sex life?
3. Why do you have this constant urge to come across like a badass? Bloody wannabe.
4. ROFLMAO @ The fascist korean bit.
5. Totally like this!

notgogol said...

@Niranjani: All my posts are gross. I am a gross person.

As far as why people are crazy about this sport - I think it's cos even if you suck at it, you still end up looking pretty important while playing it.

@anu: Go fug yourself!

S said...

This was just too funny. Loved the sense of humour.

Please write more.

Basically Blah said...

ROFL! Brilliance, thy name is NG.:)

P.S. Tiger Woods said "Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." So where exactly do YOU fit in? Just asking ;)

notgogol said...

@S: Thanks.

@BB: Too kind you are :)

P.S. Don't trust anything that man says. He's clearly just thought out aloud some weird sexual fantasy of his.

AtomicGitten said...

"Under watchful gaze, missing becomes a habit you cannot shirk off. " hahahahaha!!

And- "Golf gives women, the section of the human species incapable of deciding, the luxury of choice."?? You have obviously met very few women :P

Enjoyed reading this one :D

Sowmya said...

The opinions you have about women!

What sort of women have you been meeting???

notgogol said...

@Atomic: The number would be fewer than necessary to induce coma and more than required to cause slight problems in the head. Very slight.

They ask too many questions too. Mostly 'unanswerable' ones. Won't you agree Atomic?

@Sowmya: What sort of women? Hmm. That's a very difficult question.

I'm going with difficult.

AtomicGitten said...

Indeed... I will let you continue in that optimistic delusion :P
And not all of them do- only a few select overly problematic types ;D

Divya Sethi said...

OMG!! u are AWESOME. I got this link on FB n luv ur sense of humor. Fuckin brilliant.

whoevr u r or u r NOT ;) keep it up dude...

notgogol said...

@Atomic: Few it seems. Sure.

@Divya: What a nice comment after a more than depressing day at work. I never knew I was being linked on FB. Thank you.

Btw if you're a Dilliwaali in Chennai, we've met. So actually, you DO know whoever I am.

subbulakshmistoned said...

Bwahaaha. Some wimmen include "must play golf" when they are looking for a boyfriend/groom, and I am like meh.

notgogol said...

You really are stoned, aren't you? :)

not here said...

somebody is taking the corporate schmuck act too far :P

notgogol said...

There is something that tells me that you are not particularly not here. Your wordage smells of shampoo doused with potpourri.

not here said...

sigh...wasn't intended anonymity!...blogger loopholes...stop with the potpourri...u r just upset u cudn't take it away for xeno!

Almur said...

Ah, pure sarcasm at its' best...*actual tears*...

I once told a friend that the only reason I read other blogs is because they're cheap fillers until I catch your next show!

Please, do not retire... ever... I couldn't survive on your reruns alone!

Anonymous said...

After P. G. Wodehouse, I thought no one could be funny about golf. As in really funny. Darned if I was not wrong. Hilarious. Sheer brilliance.

notgogol said...

@Sameena: Sweetest comment ever! :)

@Bhumika: Too kind you are. Thanks :)

pali tripathi said...

i am so glad someone echoed my non-thots on golf - and with such brilliance..came here the first time..loved this one..sure to check out other posts:)

Gaurav said...

Golf!!! Amazing write up...superrrb

notgogol said...

@Pali: Well thank you. And well, Ms. Tripathi - you've been here before and nitpicked on my love for the word schmuck.

@Gaurav: Thanks! :)

Shruthi said...

Dear GOD! This is so fucking hilarious.

Why would you learn golf from a woman? Knowing what you do about them, why set yourself up for it? Why?

And you had to check out her swing, really? How was it?

Faaaccckkkk. Can't able to stop lofftering at this. So bleddee funny.


notgogol said...

This woman has brilliant sense of humor. You must meet her. So only possible to make her teacher.

Not possible to check out her swing. Was just checking out only :-/

AtomicGitten said...

We try :P

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