Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to woo a Punjabi Girl 101

I have called its people and parties retarded, its architecture daft and its drivers mental. But Chandigarh really cannot be as fucked up as I make it out to be. Can it? As I leave this city, I try to find a semblance of normalcy here – in its lyrics.

I was recently gifted a collection of Punjabi poems by Amrita Pritam. In one of her pieces Main Tenu Fir Milaangi (I will meet you yet again) she says

“Main tenu fir milaangi.
Kithey, kis tarah? Pata nai.
Shaayad terey takhayul di chinag ban ke, terey canvas tey utrangi.
Ya khowrey terey canvas dey utey, ik rahasmayi lakeer ban ke,
Khamosh tenu tak di rawaangi”

“I will meet you yet again
Where, how? I know not.
I might become a figment of your imagination and fall on your canvas.
Or perhaps, spreading myself as a mysterious line on your canvas,
In silence, I will keep gazing at you.”

I am very dense when it comes to poetry or for that matter love as well. They both have a time tested methodology involved, yet almost contradictorily they’re supposed to express spontaneity (God forbid if you don’t – the bitch will skin you alive).

Both poetry and love have their lines.

There is always a line.

One that you absolutely should not cross - the iambic (short for iambecomingsick) pentameter. Or a line that you’re measured against, aptly called (?), the sexameter.

It’s not like the ‘modern’, free-er version of love or poetry is something that I can understand either.

What in God’s bloody name is free verse?

Have you heard of the ‘modern poet’ e.e. cummings? If you’ve not, let me tell you – he is a turd. Anyone who deliberately writes his name in lowercase is a bloody retard. Sample this. His “poem” titled ‘!blac…’. DO NOT adjust your browser. It is the title of his poem – ‘Exclamation point-b-l-a-c-Ellipsis’. Fancy the rest of it? Again, do not adjust your browser or your eyes -

“!blac
k
agains
t

(whi)

te sky
?t
rees whic
h fr

om droppe

d
,”

This is not free fucking verse. This is not fucking poetry. It is a deranged man with a botched up typewriter and in all likelihood he’s suffering from acute Parkinson’s.

One must never date someone who writes poems to live (not for a living; to live). You will be told that in today’s world, Love is like free verse. I never got it, I still don’t.

No rules. No boundaries. And what about line breaks? As you please.

I am told, one is supposed to feel the verse.

Not.

You just end up feeling worse.

!the re is;

ju st

to o-mu
ch

t(s)ex(t)ual
¿tension
;
¡

So I was saying, I do not get poetry.

But when Amrita Pritam wants to take the form of a line spreading across a canvas just so that she can gaze at her lover – I cannot help but think that this is where the Punjabis, and in essence Chandigarh, might have got something right – their lyrical expression of love.

Not.

For the last nine months I have never been to a club or party without cringing at the utter inanity of Punjabi song lyrics.

Take for instance the pop number Amplifier (Translation - Amplifier).

The song has the basic boy-trying-to-ask-girl-out theme. It has the usual ‘heartbeat-stoppage upon damsel sighting’ references in measured dosage; followed by boy trying to up the lyrical ante when he does not get a favorable response. And how he does!

Does he call her his moon? Nah – too mundane. How about his rose? Nope, very B-grade Bollywood. How about woofer? Perfect.

“Darling, you are my woofer and I,
am your amplifier.”

Why bother with bringing the girl massive lunar objects when audio equipment metaphors will do the job just fine.

In one of the break-up monologues I sat through in college, I was called an unromantic twerp. If she only knew my true feelings for her - I was her Dolby and she was me Bose.

While the Amplifier craze phased out, it gave way to an equally inane movie track – Dil Waali Kothi (Translation - The heart’s bungalow).

The song revolves around a man begging a woman to appoint him as the watchman of the bungalow that her heart is. Why the protection? He fears that the poor damsel, being fair-skinned and possessing precisely 40 whims and 84 fancies, might have her heart stolen.

This Punjabi obsession with numbers can even be found in the current ‘chartbuster’ and the most preposterous wooing song in recent times – Lakk 28 Kudi Da (Translation – The Girl’s Waist is 28 inches).


The song is written as an ode to the girl whose waist is 28 inches and weight is 47 kilos. It even has a refrain to that effect – “Waist is 28, and 47 weight”. We are given to believe that this muse is a ‘modern’ Punjabi girl for she sports a Lady Gaga tattoo on her white chest, wears ‘fit-dresses’ (versus two sizes too big?) and has a white i-Phone with a ringtone from LA on it. If you’re wondering how the said muse is so bloody white and is in general very ‘milky-milky’ and ‘silky-silky’ - the secret’s in copious amounts of body butter cream.

And lest we forget, we’re reminded in all 14 times that her waist is twenty eight and forty seven weight.

The Jehadis are promised 72 nubile virgins in paradise as a reward for martyrdom. According to the Quran, the virgins would have eyes like pearls and ‘large, round breasts that are not inclined to sag’. They would be eternally young, transparent to the marrow of their bones, sans unwanted-hair and have no bowel movements whatsoever. They would be chaste, albeit perennially nude, and restrain their glances. In general – they’d be splendid, pure and child free.

How bloody prissily precise.

And all we Punjabis could come up with is milky - silky - 28” - 47 kgs?

18 comments:

kamna said...

hahahah... wat fun :D

u hav only a few weeks left there so why cant u leave that city alone... and who is the new woman in ur life? if ure clubbing again thre has to be a new woman... so out with it taran!!!!

p.s. abt poetess - this is so my "i told u so" moment ;)

notgogol said...

What new woman? Are you drunk as usual?

P.S. Bollocks! Drawing conclusions over one beer is injurious to health.

S said...

I have e-mailed you twice but have not received a reply. Hence this comment. I think your writings are simply amazing. You manage to bring wit into the most simple situations and your ability of reading people is superb. It would be great if you could write more often for I come to your page twice a day hoping to find something new. And I am not saying this just to flatter you but I think that you are just awesome.

I would also be really happy if you could respond to my e-mails (sandsoftime87@gmail.com). If you ever come to Kolkata please let me know. I would love to meet you.

S

anoushka said...

1. Stop being a rumour hound Kamu. Pah!

2. About the poetess, a small correction. "We" told you so. And ONE beer is more than enough time to judge ANYONE :)

3. Why are YOU reading poetry? I am worried/suspicious now.

4. Again, can you please get your bum off that beach and come home already.

5. Teehee. Bong asking you out in comment section and all.

anoushka said...

6. Has Nilo read this? I would want to see what she has to say about the 72 virgins with "large, round breasts that are not inclined to sag" :D

notgogol said...

@S: I not very active email wise. Anyways, thanks for the nice things you've said. :)

@anu:

1. THANK YOU!
2. Ahem. Sure.
3. Just.
4. In a while :)
5. Well, all of us don't have drinks sent over, over and over again at bars na ;)
6. She did have a peek while I was typing the piece. She took it well, I think :-/

vira said...

LOL@ ee cummings =))

but dont.make.fun.of.amplifier
amplifier is awesome okay!

errormsg! said...

you are so running out of things to write about ;)

notgogol said...

@vira: Do you even understand it? :P

@AB: Sad. But so very true :|

'Niroo' Ravi - Copywriter, Creative thinker, Blogger, Pot painter, Bongo banger, Angel, Devil, Freak said...

Since u posted after a long time, I visited ur blog after a long time.
I really enjoyed this one! :)

And why are the breasts of virgins described in such observant detail? And how are the body parts of
non-virgins described?

'Niroo' Ravi - Copywriter, Creative thinker, Blogger, Pot painter, Bongo banger, Angel, Devil, Freak said...

what do the poor virgins get to do with their beautiful bodies? And why does the Quran describe all this?

kamna said...

yes taran... wat is the problem with them virgins? why they being targeted?

:P
:P
:P

notgogol said...

@Niranjani: Because there is a sense of achievement and discovery in exploring uncharted territories. Makes the Jehadis feel like Columbus. ;)

@Kamu: Grrrrrr!

Raj said...

Lol. The amplfiier guy has a great sense of humor :P

Where have you been all the while ? Shall definitely miss Chandigarh.

notgogol said...

@Raj: True that :)

Been here only. Just nothing to write about.

Basically Blah said...

Hmmff... and all this coming from the master of free-flowing haiku? :)

smartassbride said...

Boss, jihad is serious business. You can't afford to be vague, no? people will want to know exactly what they are getting for their trouble. Just who do you think they are? people like me who write "I agree to your terms, conditions and your family doctor" on every document, including toilet paper?

I have not emailed you and I haven't got a reply. I would love to meet you too, but only if I'm creating a documentary on Chandigarh.

notgogol said...

@BB:
across my face
whipped into silence
by a cold tongue

@SAB: Agree. But the level of detail is too much ma.

Dei, how mean u are!