Monday, December 27, 2010

Thongful Intightment

I have always hated tights, not that I’ve worn them – I just despise the sight of them.

The last girl I dated was always in tights – ALWAYS. No denim, no dresses, no skirts, no nothing – just tights. Plain and simple – leggings.

Tights. They’re just so very… very… er… tight. So body hugging and so freaking tight. Why are they so clingy? Why do they need to eat up all your space in the nether lands? Why are they so bloody needy; almost insecure? Why is there no space?

Where is my space?

The thing is now I’m cold. This sham of a city, Chandigarh, is moving closer to the arctic circle with every bloody day, with every bloody globally warmed iceberg.

For crying out loud - we are supposed to be a tropical nation, not Eskimo zone dammit!

So it’s freezing and I realized that everything southwards of my waist – ass, feet, knees, vagina – are becoming colder than Russia. To prevent any further posterior frigidity, someone recommended Thermal Underwear – Thermal Long Johns to be precise.

My momma always said, “Life is like a box of knickers. If they look like tights, feel like tights, stretch like tights, then they’re not damned Long Johns you fool – they’re tights.”

But oh bloody God – they’re so, they’re so, so, soooooooh… comforting.

They’re so accommodating, all encompassing, and warm and do everything to make you feel so very secure.

They just give and give and give and give.

It’s like their second nature.

They’re like Mother Nature – there is so much give.

So kids, I don't know how I met your mother, but when in doubt - wear tights.

P.S. Superman, Hulk Hogan, Robin Hood – thank you!

25 comments:

Raj said...

What's happening with this country ?

Thermal wear in 10 deg C and Sweaters in 24 deg C in Chennai. Disapprove

Btw, What space were you expecting in a woman's tights ?

kamna said...

howlarious...

and u like tights :-D

Shruthi said...

Insert sex face it seems!
but heck if you like feeling like Robin Hood, who's stopping you. I'm sure you look sexy as hell in them!

Leggings are cool ok. Don't diss. And only the coastal areas of India are tropical. You live near the mountains. so, Sheddup!

notgogol said...

@Raj: Its 5 degrees here. I have the right to complain.

I shall not answer the next question as this is a family blog.

@kamu: I never said that in those many words :P

@shruthi: You're dissing my post, I can't diss leggings aa?

Since when are facts so important now? And, your mum is not the Geography teacher okay!

Raj said...

Thought your experiences abroad to colder places might have helped. I think you should head to Europe for a change

OMG, from when did this turn into a family blog ? Sigh!

smartassbride said...

Must be the continental drift thing. Get some fellow whiners and push. Breathe. Push. You and Chandigarh will be back to tropical zone.

we'll see if we can sign online petitions and get you a padma award. If not, all that pushing should at least keep you warm.

Shruthi said...

I'm dissing you lowe. Not the post. So is your mum a geography teacher?

'Niroo' Ravi - Copywriter, Creative thinker, Blogger, Pot painter, Bongo banger, Angel, Devil, Freak said...

"everything southwards of my waist – ass, feet, knees, vagina.."

?? :-P

anoushka said...

Smartass I have only three things to say this time around -

1. I hate this post. Its not even you. Who wrote this?
2. The picture is pathetic. What is wrong with you?
3. Are you gay? TIGHTS?

Basically Blah said...

Notgogol's got himself his first pair of mantyhose! Woot!

Terror #1 said...

Aaahhh...be happy the women wear them more than the men...now picture a nice rolly polly guy with flab hanging all over and with thighs as big as a water melon wearing spandex...now which wud u rather hv? Women in tights or men?
But hv to agree with you...why wud anyone want to wear something so restrictive? N clingy? Then women say men just ogle and stare...little do they realize what's going thru r heads.."uhmmm wat is she wearing?"

notgogol said...

@Raj: Always was a family blog man! :|

@smartassbride: Stop mocking me woman! It's really cold as it is.

@Shruthi: That argument was school kid level lady! Not cool.

@howcanubesomanythingsatonce: True Fact! :P

@anu:
1. Ok. Even divinity has limits you know :P
2. Chandigarh
3. Perhaps. I'm not sure.

@BB: As said, Mantyhose it seems! :P

@Terror#1: Lol. Good take. But what if the said fat person is female not male. Same difference then na.

And, the point I was making is that these goddamed tights are so comfortable, I'm sold :|

'Niroo' Ravi - Copywriter, Creative thinker, Blogger, Pot painter, Bongo banger, Angel, Devil, Freak said...

"Mantyhose" was a good one.
:P

Basically Blah said...

*Doffing feathered cap*

Raj said...

NG Check this out :P

Judy Balan said...

There is such a thing as over-sharing and you just crossed the line. No Christmas present for you.

And oh, there is no Santa Claus either, you tights-wearing little girl!

GO, go cry to mommy now. And tell her about the tights.

notgogol said...

Stop stealing my thunder BB!

JB: Just for my information, what was my Christmas present?

Told mommy about the tightness. She's thrilled; she always wanted a gay son no.

Basically Blah said...

*Basking in reflected glory*

What you gonna do? Whack me with your tights? :P

Judy Balan said...

Hahahahahha. Look who got a follower gadget after all that I-don't-give-a-shit-who-reads-and-doesn't-read talk :P

notgogol said...

@BB: Yeah. Good idea, no? But bangalore is too far re. Nahin pahunchega - tights wahin tak failaane chahiye, jitne ki pair lambe hon :P

@Prudy: That does not answer my question. What was supposedly my Christmas present? (Now that you have money and all, can't use poverty excuse anymore)

Judy Balan said...

Well, it was a Follower widget. But seeing how you already have one in place... :|

kamna said...

i will have to agree with judy... i knw u dnt care who reads ur blog and that follower gadget thingy really looks hideous.... clutters up the whole page... i thnk u can do without it

notgogol said...

JB: I am at a loss for words at your divine cheapness.

Kamu: You're right. Deleted it :) I always thought installing it was a complicated thing but it was just a mouse click.

Also, now I know how people (read JB) snoop around on people and know who comments from where. This stats page tells me that 236 people visited my page from the US last week. Problem is I don't know who these people are? WHO ARE YOU AMERICANS reading this page?

Also, what I don't understand is - how you think that a small thingamajig like that can make the page look cluttered? :P

Raj said...

JB's followers in US? :)

Judy Balan said...

I think Kamna was speaking prophetically - it clutters up your whole page in about a few thousand years :O)