Behold the power of the Sindoor!!!

A nuclear family of four, at 8 o'clock every night, welcomes a new member that graces us with its divine presence for 3 long hours. The Idiot Box. It reveals the infinite potential possessed by the SINDOOR; potential to tame the faculties of every second housewife in the nation; potential to defile all that was achieved by the women's liberation movement and potential to expose the divinity of the letter 'K'.

It doesn't take a genius to master the Art Of Cooking a soap opera.So here it is - an instant recipe for a K-Soap Opera.

Ingredients:

1/2 a dozen Sindoor laden, overdresed and over-bejewelled Bahus who can weep on cue

1 heavyweight Saas with a streak of white hair, like the smoke trail of a jet in the dark sky

1 fortress of a house in the guise of "A bahu's temple of love"

1/2 a dozen male business tycoons that make the Ambanis look like paupers

Podgy Kids according to taste

1 Karva Chauth after every 15 episodes

1 family doctor; Specialization - Amnesia, Most Prescribed Drug - Generous doses of "Bhagwaan pe Bharosa Rakho"

1 Dr.Jekyll; Specialization - Plastic Surgery/Murder, Most Prescribed Drug - Generous Doses of "Aapka Kaam Ho gaya"

10 litres of glycerine

10 kgs of Sindoor

1 Time Machine


Procedure:

Middle class girl - read Cotton Salwar Kameez clad - is married into the Birla household - read Colosseum. Spends her day being devoured by the ennui of kitchen work and frivlous conspiracy. She is pitted against her Saas in a gladiatorial battle whose outcome determines the Daal that would be prepared in the kitchen(or something even more frivlous). For allies the Saas has a whole batallion of other like-daal eating, superficial, scheming, and petty walking Make-up Boxes for Bahus. Battle uniform - Sarees that would put Madhuri's "Didi Tera Dewar Deewana" and Sharmila's "Almost Backless" to shame. Being the Saint that she is, the Middle Class Bahu gives into the excesses dished out to her. End of story? On earth, perhaps. But not in K-World.

As soon as the Saintly Bahu shows signs of recovery from her lost battle she is dealt the coup de grace - a dead/unfaithful/oblivious husband. Broken and in despair she leaves the arena, only to make an appearance after 3 episodes in the highly publicized Revenge Of The Bahu (in Dolby Surround, whether you like it or not).Apparently she rediscovers the business acumen that she never possessed, turns "Business-India Cover"quality overnight and returns to lend a helping hand to her ever-instantly bankrupt in-laws.And they live happily ever after? On earth, perhaps. But not in K-World.

Fast Forward!!

20 yrs and 1 episode later, the bahu hasn't aged a day and she has an over-bubbly, mini-skirt clad daughter who looks like her older sister. The Saas is live and kicking. The Husband is reborn/is forgiven/has obtained a new fuse. One big, happy family - read gigantic, plastic menagerie. Does the torture end here? On earth, perhaps. But not in K-World.

Enter Junta Ka Poll :

"Kya aap Tulsi/KKKKKusum ki zindagi main apne aap ko dekhti hain?"

"Kya aap Sindoor ki taaqat se waaqif hain?"

Agar humein aapki daal pasand aayi, main Tulsi/KKKKKusum aapse waada karti hun, aapki rasoi main aapka daal/dard baatne aaungi.

An Ode to Chennai

(Glossary at the bottom for all non-Madrasis)

Living in Mumbai has opened my eyes to a fallacy that has long plagued the Indian Coolsville. Here "East beds west, so Mumbai is the best". I wore my rose-tinted glasses all along, but then the Koli boy crossed the line. Of all the audacious insults that come as baggage with being a resident of Lungitown invading Bhaizila, "Papadom Thambi" blew my fuse away. So I'm giving vent to my anger by compiling a list of reasons why Idly-Sambaar Suburb makes IndianizedBurgerVille "MIRROR" a cosmopoliton circus flashy in its urbanity. (That's right!! You heard me...the much hyped "vada pav" is but a pasty burger)

1.) The most striking feature is her fidelity to traditional and cultural moorings in the wake of the “Yo-Man!!” and MTV onslaught. Rather than compromising her integrity, she chose to effect the most harmonious confluence of Thairesaadam and Hot-Dogs, silk and denim, M.S.Subbalakshmi and Britney Spears, The Music Academy Kutchery and EC-41, retaining the charm of a neighbourhood Paati.

2.) Standing on my balcony every morning, admiring the beauty of the Kolam adorning my neighbour’s porch, what comes to light is the sheer effort and patience behind the creation of a being so ephemeral, only as a measure of upholding a religious rite. Nevertheless, battered by the fury of wind, water, tyre and the not so friendly neighbourhood dog, it is rejuvenated well before the dawn of sunset to regain its lost glory and the gaze of every passerby.

3.) Picture the stout, red faced, bald (but for the lone warrior battling the sands of time, on a desert in its own right ) asthmatic Thatha draped in his Ujalaed lungi, leaning on a cane and sticking his stomach out. Making his daily trip to the Amman Koil round the corner, he reminisces of the times She was a virgin to Victorian advances. Close on his heels, is the aforementioned Paati cocooned in her seven and a half yard pure Kanjeevaram Silk Saree (“Just recently wonly I purchased in Pothys Silk House” she would brag to the San–Franchesco, Yamerica Returned Paati living next door), sporting trendy “Pyuure” G.R. Thanga Maligai Gold plated spectacles, shooing away bees feasting on the Mallipu embellishing her snow white locks, worried if her grandson would love the poriyal she prepared for dinner with tremendous Lou and Yaffection.

4.) Unwinding to the Grand Old Lady of Mount Road (affectionately called the Hindu), one is comforted by both the hymns emanating from Subramanium Swamy’s 1985 Akai 2-in-1 stereo (gifted by Srinivasa Vardarajan on his trip over from the Gulf) and the Maula summoning his flock in his almost symphonic baritone(enabled with DTS surround sound). A Suud Narasu’s Filter Kaapi with butter biscuit makes my day.

5.) She refrained to succumb to marauding Skyscraping bandits who resolved to reduce her skyline to a mere piece in a sinister concrete puzzle.

6.) Indulge!!
a.) Ghee Dosai with Mulga Pudi – be it from Sid’s Tiffin Box, Sapthagiri or Saravanaas.
b.) Parotta Kurma in any roadside Vandikaar’s Shack.
c.) Parotta and Chilly Chicken at Apollo.
d.) Rasmalai and Kesar Peda at Gangotree.
e.) Dark Chocolate Brownie (Hot) and Pretty Women (not quite as hot as the brownie) at Amethyst.

7.) She is neither home to hypocrites masquerading as Moral Policeman out to impede blossoming love between all those Cinderellas and Cinderfellas nor does she habour Page 3 parasites.

“Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place...a town...a house like a lot of other houses... A yard like a lot of other yards...on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is...after all these years, I still look back...with wonder.”
--- Kevin Arnold(Fred Savage), The Wonder Years

Glossary : (for all u Mumbaikars and pseudo-Mumbaikars)
Thairesaadam = Curd-Rice, Kutchery = Carnatic Music Concert,
Paati = Granny, Kolam = Rangoli, Thatha = Grandpa,
Koil = Temple, Mallipu = Jasmine, poriyal = Sabji